Comment: Oh, what a circus

Act One: A cure for apostasy

A medical doctor with no formal religious training takes centre stage as an Islamic scholar to tickle the Maldivian youth’s religious fancy.

One man questions his own faith and asks the scholar for his learned opinion on apostates. The good doctor diagnoses the man’s malady as possessing too much intellect – a condition that prevents belief cells from forming and developing in the brain. The doctor prescribes a specialist consultation with the ‘Non-Islamic-but-Muslim government’ for a remedy to his condition.

The government provides him with ‘counselling’, which proves to be just what the doctor ordered as, lo and behold, the man is cured within days. He apologises to his Muslim brethren who put away the swords they had unsheathed and enfold him in the warm embrace of their attar-scented hijabs. ‘Insha-Allah!’ cry the audience.

Act One, Scene Two: Modesty slips on banana

Enter Wife of a Preacher Man. Qualified to preach by default as spouse of a non-qualified Preacher, she warns her Maldivian sisters to cover up.

“Rape is your due if all ye sisters do not conform! For the men folk, they know not how to control their lust!” is the message.

Having wowed the audience with her compassion for the sisterhood, she exits the stage centre left. [Curtains close and open].

Wife of a Preacher Man is now straddling a blow-up banana with a throbbing engine. She rides it across the lagoon of a tourist resort where Western heathens lounge about in bikinis. “Look at me! I am covered up, and I can still ride a banana with modesty!”

In one of the Act’s most dramatic scenes, she falls. The set moves to a hospital. She remains silent throughout her treatment. A good patient never asks questions of a Doctor. Questions are the first symptom of that very dangerous disease: too much intellect, or as described in preacher/doctor vernacular – ‘extra-smartism’.

Act Two, Scene One: The measure of a judge

Enter a group of nine learned men, and one woman. They discuss the character and qualifications of those who should be allowed to sit in judgement of other Maldivians.

Known collectively as the Judicial Service Commission their task, as stated in Article 285 of the Constitution 2008, is to ensure all judges appointed prior to the new Constitution possess the qualifications necessary for a judge as stipulated in Article 149.

So far so boring? Do not underestimate this circus, though, for there is indeed an impressive twist to this plot.

The Chair of the Commission is also a Supreme Court Judge. And a fraudster! The then Anti-Corruption Board found him guilty of making false claims for overtime as a judge. His plea in mitigation behooves a man of such stature: any findings of the Anti-Corruption Board has no legal authority. Only a qualified judge, as his esteemed self, may pronounce a citizen guilty or not guilty. Ergo, he is innocent.

Act Two, Scene Two: Judgement day at the Commission

Eight of the ten members are present, and a draft of the standards to which Maldivian judiciary should be held is put to vote. Four vote in favour. Four against. A majority is declared. Huh? If there are four on one side and four on the other, does that not mean the two sides are equal? From whence cometh the majority?

It is yet another twist in the tale, audience! It turns out that one member realises – after the vote is taken – that he meant to abstain. Some members of the audience may be of the opinion that the intention to abstain is declared before a vote is cast. Were you not told underestimating this circus would be a mistake? The tricks here are mind-boggling.

The Standards, passed by a ‘majority’ of these most learned members ensures the Maldivian judiciary would include not just fraudsters found guilty-but-not-guilty, but also sexual offenders among other varieties. The unfolding scene is of a just and happy society where embezzlers, sex offenders and petty criminals all stand a good chance of being judged by an equal.

All rejoice at this exemplary egalitarianism. Cue a standing ovation from the audience.

Act Four: Bra burning lesbians

Enter Lesbians Disguised as Feminists. How brilliant is their costume that this discerning twenty-first century audience cannot tell the difference between the two groups. Most audiences of the last three decades had been able to make the distinction between them, but this one is fooled.

Not for long, though. One section of the audience, with just the right degree of religion-abiding smartness, is on to them. There and then, a truly daring exposé is performed. The Feminists are Lesbians! It is clear from their penchant for women’s underwear.

Come on, audience, put your thinking hats on: Feminists + women’s underwear = Lesbians. Consider this: they sent the underwear to a male Muslim scholar. On Valentines Day. That particular Lesbian fetish for sending underwear to male Muslim scholars is the missing clue here, dear Watson. Feminists = Lesbians = Sissy Nation.

Bring them out from their underground holes and flog them before they plait and tie pink bows to the beards that proudly proclaim Maldivian patriarchy to the world. “Aaaah!”, enlightened, the audience sighs contentedly as the curtains close. Blessed are we to have Adhaalath among us.

Forthcoming attractions: Angels & kangaroos

The Ringmaster, or he who thinks he is the ringmaster, is away with kangaroos of a different sort to those at this own court. Meanwhile, the real Ringmasters prepare for a new act that will make the audience cheer and applaud even more than they did at the Biggest Event Ever of last month on any of the above acts.

A preacher with the name of an angel and a message of true divinity (which some – clearly deluded and ignorant – critics have described as one of hate) will take centre stage shortly.

All Muslim brothers and sisters, recently restored to your glorious 100 per cent Muslim status, are invited to attend. Dress code: Hijab and beards for men; Full Buruqa preferred for women. [Leave Buruqas off at your own risk].

It is also advisable to leave most grey matter behind. Extra-Smartness is strictly forbidden.

All comment pieces are the sole view of the author and do not reflect the editorial policy of Minivan News. If you would like to write an opinion piece, please send proposals to [email protected]

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45 thoughts on “Comment: Oh, what a circus”

  1. This is brilliant stuff Munirah, I applaud your sarcasm and a pinch of humour to what would be otherwise, a horrific turn of events in the last week. Absolutely brilliant!!

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  2. Muneera...Aniyaa...doesnt make a lot of difference does it...there is no circus is someone getting injured..what are you? human or alien? ah i see!! not feelin the pain of a muslim!!

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  3. Then, on Sunday evening, Mehdi The Messiah came to Villingili and was promptly taken into safe custody...
    The Canadians, meanwhile, debate the "End-of-the-World Curriculum"!?!

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  4. Munirah,you mention the banana boat part with such clarification...anyway that's part of being a maldivian..have you too felt the throb of the banana boat engine?is that why you are mentioning it so specifically?the throb of the banana?straddling?lol...just like some who commented on the banana boat ride..you can't help mentioning it, being a maldivian..by the way it could be some people at the Islamic ministry who must have encouraged Naik's wife to straddle the boat,to make her understand how important it is for Maldivians to straddle a throbbing engined banana boat..see,you can't stop gloating about it either!

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  5. Thank you for this excellent read.
    Entertainment at its best: Who needs cable tv when you have Adaalath and the band of mullahs. Darn it! The fundies are actually making freaking sense.

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  6. Ok..I managed to read through this. Now what?

    Act one;
    Doctor: "Go direct to operation theater, your condition is serios!"
    Patient: "Me sick? I am not convinced!"
    Doctor: "No problem! I am calling the ambulance now"

    Act One, Scene Two; Home girls slip on a 'maalhos banana' get shot then fly 'north melon' for lipo-suction!

    (Yawn) Zzzz Zzzzz Zzzzz

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  7. ok Munirah. Let the "games" begin

    And we will fight to death, whether you like it or not.

    Have a nice life.

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  8. Just what the good doctor ordered! Some humour for the sick patient!! Vare Bravo Munirah.

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  9. Munirah, in making the Maldivian scene look like a circus you have made yourself look like a clown.

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  10. Supreme Court Judges wear underwear. Feminists wear underwear. The President wears underwear. They are all equal.

    Those like Mullahs, Sheikhs, Milkshakes, Imams who don't wear underwear are more equal.

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  11. You are one extra smart lady, Munirah! Your article is absolutely brilliant as Abdulla Naeem said. I wish there are more women like you in our country. Keep up the good work.

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  12. The day satire is banned is the day freedom can be declared dead and buried.

    Cue calls for this sort of thing being banned in 3...2...1...

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  13. Munirah, you are so brilliant, as always! You are indeed your granddad's granddaughter. It is just past hukuru-namaadhu time here. As usual, I'm sipping my Friday shiraz while looking forward to that pork steak tonight.

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  14. i always wonder at the ability of us maldivians to find humour in every catastrophic, tragic and ridiculous turn of events we face. or else we would not have survived with the little sanity we have left. Munirah, you have said it as it is. the one entrance i miss is the part where the royal highness and his men come in to save the countryfolk from the evil doctors and banana riding preachers. perhaps it is yet to be written in the script. i wonder if the writer will ever get to it?

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  15. Yes, good theatre indeed.
    Someone pinched act 3, but hey, I complain not!
    I so enjoyed one, two and four.
    A lot packed into this play.
    I wish we can see this on stage.
    It really is worth saving for posterity! And yes the Ringmaster and the Kangaroos ... that really takes the biscuit.
    He really thinks he's in charge, when he's really not got a grip.
    I take it the concluding scene would have all the defenceless people of the land, enslaved by a state spreading fear, hatred and violence, robbed of all free will and thought - in a state of desolation of the soul ?

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  16. here goes another extra smart (e-smart) maldivian,
    We need to name and shame these people.
    Can someone take a lead to make a web page presenting profiles of these e-smart people to make aware their agendas to the general public.

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  17. About the article i would say: simply lacking in substance. About the writer: not an intellectual.

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  18. munira, why are you always after religious matters are you that blind that you don't see there much grave issue's like the drugs and violence in this tiny country and many more, and if your that good give some solution for this too .. and i doubt it cause the smarter people that you are so proud of is also having trouble finding the salutation .. like the USA the number 1 country for drug consuming.. !!

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  19. i guess this is a brilliant article, and those who says this lack substance and the writer is not intellectual. my god they really need help.

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  20. by the way the one talks about blame and shame. and agendas. people are fed up of it and they one bother about such name and shame. if it ever worked guess what the president of this country would nt be who is now. coz the worst victim of such targeted blame and shame was the president. he was called a Christian missionary to a thief. so don t waste you time i guess

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  21. this article is full of sh*it and no substance at all. wasted my time reading that..

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  22. Muneera, every country and every time there are non believers, that's the trend through out human history. I doubt even Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) come today, and give a sermon or a lecture even will fall short from sarcasm and criticism from people like you. The whole article you have been trying to discredit Dr.Naik and his family. But you are failed as he has millions of followers who believe in Islam around the world.

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  23. Life itself is a circus. Look around u, go beyond the borders of your country and u would see even more interesting circus events... if u care 🙂

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  24. Why is minivannews publishing this bullsht? I didn't read the whole article because I knw how it is going to go. Aniya or munita who ever pls stop writing anti Islamic stuff. You just want to create hatred among our society. If u can't take it go and leave in uk or USA where u have all the freedom u want. Maybe we can even fund your stay abroad. Minivannews pls be responsible and stop this nonsense. We love Islam end of story

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  25. Awesome piece of writing my dear! Bless you for your wisdom. Hopefully the hypocrites get the message 😉 Cheers and really hope to read more of your articles.

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  26. munirah,all the men are salivating over you now because you wrote this mediocre article..probably they all never read a truly clever&satiric article in their lifetime!keep trying munirah,you can do better.

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  27. "munira, why are you always after religious matters are you that blind that you don’t see there much grave issue’s like the drugs and violence in this tiny country and many more, and if your that good give some solution for this too .. "

    Good thinking.

    Someone should suggest this to the Islamist Ministry.

    On second thoughts.. never mind.

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  28. We don't need the Dr. Naiks and these business minded so called religious leaders. Keep it up, Munirah. Someone has to do something for our loving nation

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  29. lost in sarcasm ....
    @ekaloa .... " But you are failed as he has millions of followers of Islam around the world."

    It is obvious that Islam has got millions who follows it as a relegion. Now what the hell has Zakir Nike and Family got to do with that. Cum'on .. Whom are you trying to con? your own self tha? I think Munee has millions of people who shit every morning too. and for that matter our boy Adolf had a few million followers of himself (minus a relegion)

    Muneera: re- Mr. Nike
    But you are failed as he has millions of followers who beleive in Islam around the world.

    Muneera: re- Mrs. Nike
    But you are failed as she has millions of followers who beleive in Christianity around the world.

    Muneera: re- Master Nike
    But you are failed as he has millions of followers who beleive in Budism around the world.

    Zakir Nike aai enaage family ah dhivehin salaam buni ....

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  30. We don't need Dr Naik, Green, or Mrs Naik for that matter.

    Sonee Bandos and all the sponsors of these shows can save money by having Fareed, Gayoom, etc all brewed in Maldives and matured in Saudi or Egyptian vats.

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  31. Well said Munirah. Satire still rears its head through the bogs fed and replenished by Mohomma & Co. in Maldivian society.

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  32. Well said Munirah! Smart lady 😉 Love your sarcastic way of writing.

    I was actually waiting yesterday for the Islamic Ministry or the private Salaf-sponsors to come up with a cheque to support Ali Faisal's fund raising for his thalassemia treatment in India. Just a thought... they have money to bring Zaik (m), Zaik (f), Zaik jr., Green and Philips too...

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  33. Munirah for president! (what else is possibly fit for this intellectual)

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